How the Hallch Stole the Show
By Barbara Jones Brown
Every Ute
Up in U-ville
Liked Utah a lot . . .
But the Hallch,
Who lived just south of U-ville,
Did NOT!
The Hallch hated Utah! The whole football season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the beer, dumped on his family one night.
It could be, perhaps, that his cleats were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his helmet was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His helmet or his shoe,
He stood there on Thanksgiving, hating the U.
Staring up from his valley with a sour, Hallchy frown
At the red-lighted windows above in their town.
For he knew every Ute up in U-ville above
Was busy now, donning their red coats and gloves.
"And they're hanging their U-flags!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Saturday is game day! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Hallch fingers nervously drumming.
"I MUST find some way to stop U-spirit from coming!"
For,
On Saturday, he knew . . .
All the U girls and boys
Would wake bright and early, their hearts full of joys.
They'd rush for Cougar Stadium. And then! Oh, the Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Utes, young and old, would sit down (some with a beer),
And they'd cheer! And they'd cheer!
And they'd CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
They would raise their U-banners, and posters, and signs,
Which was something the Hallch couldn't stand to the nines!
And THEN
They'd do something
He liked least of all!
Every Ute down from U-ville, the tall and the small,
Would make a big fuss, with the U-band a-ringing.
They'd stand in the Muss, and the Utes would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Hallch thought of this U-Fightsong-Sing,
The more the Hallch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why, for three years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop this U-spirit from coming!
. . . But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE HALLCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Hallch laughed in his throat.
As he put on his jersey, his cleats and Y-coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Hallchy trick!
"I'll throw a game-winning pass, to the hands of Saint . . . George!"
Then he called his dog, Max (named after himself)
And told him a secret, like a jolly old elf:
"After the game, in a press-conference tome
"I'll tell the U's I hate them, then send them all home!"
Then the game went as planned! And the press conference, too!
Then the Hallch, he stood waiting, looking up at the U.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Utes!" he was hallch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no glory is coming!
"They're hearing me now! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then the Utes up in U-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!
"That's a noise," grinned the Hallch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Hallch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the Net.
It came loud and clear, and made his eyes wet.
Every Ute up in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was rallying! Without any victory at all!
He HADN'T stopped U-spirit from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Hallch, with his hallch-feet too tight in his cleats
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "Even in their defeat?"
"It came without winning? It came without glory?
"It came without rankings, BCS bowls, or story?"
And he puzzled twelve hours, till his puzzler was aghast.
Then the Hallch thought of something he hadn't thought of en mass.
"Maybe Utah," he thought, "isn't so crass."
"Maybe Utah . . . perhaps . . . does have some class!"
And what happened then . . . ?
Well . . . in U-ville they say
That the Hallch's big head
Shrank three sizes that day!
And the minute his helmet didn't feel quite so tight,
He released his apology in the bright morning light
And he remembered his sportsmanship! And love of the game!
And he . . .
. . . HE HIMSELF . . . !
Said sorry! . . . In vain?